Dear Deadbeat,
I wish I could say this letter was out of jealousy that you spend time with our boys and girl. But that is far from the truth. This is anger, resentment, and an apology to our children. You see, when we got together, you swore that you would NEVER let anyone take a child from you again. That you would ALWAYS be a part of their lives no matter what. You would get offended if I called you out on being more angry or strict or just down right mean to one of our sons. You would say, "Dont ever say I dont give a shit about my kids!" At that point, I wasn't. Now, I am.
I'm very angry at you. Not because you get to go out and do whatever the fuck you want while I'm "stuck" taking care of the kids you helped create. There is nowhere else I would rather be. I'm angry at you, because your daughters mother and I are stuck explaining to the other 3 kids you had with us why daddy isnt around. We get to deal with the fact our kids are hurting, sad, crying, and angry. I had to deal with our son telling me that you are mad at him and that is why you dont come around. And for that, he is mad at you. I dealt with our 3 year old son saying he wanted to throw you on the floor, in a cage (Jail), and kill you. I dealt with that anger you make him feel and continue to do so on a daily basis. I'm angry that our children get to grow up without a close relationship to their father. I'm angry because you are not a father worth missing and I know one day they will question why they weren't good enough for you.
I resent you so God damn much. Which I guess goes hand in hand with anger. I resent the fact that I have been going to all of the evaluations, meetings, IEP meetings, setting up surgeries, doctors appointments, going to all appointments alone, and having to reiterate back to you what was said, happened and diagnosed because you were too God damn lazy and selfish to go and see what was going on with our kids. I resent the fact that I am dealing with our sons autism by myself when it comes to his parents. As your daughters mother is as well.
I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. And I am waiting for the message to come from you asking how the kids are while you pretend to actually give a shit. Do you know what your daughters favorite colors are? Do you know exactly how to calm our 3 year old down after a meltdown and what he really needs without flipping shit on him? Do you know the easiest way to get him to not fight going to sleep every night? Do you know the words our almost 2 year old can say now? Do you know what toys are his favorite? No. You dont know any of that. But the mothers of your kids do. We do because we have been there. Picking up the pieces of our children from a "Father" who doesnt give a fuck about anyone but himself. I hate you because of how badly it hurts them when they ask about you (even if it is few and far between at times) we have to see their hearts break. I hate you because I can't tell these 3 beautiful children that daddy loves them and will see them soon. Because you dont, and you wont. It's been exactly 4 weeks today. 4 weeks since you have asked to see them. 4 weeks since you have called them. 4 weeks since you asked what they were up to and what they were doing. I fucking hate you for doing that to them.
But most of all, I'm sorry. Not to you. But to these beautiful children you decide to leave behind. I'm sorry that they have a father who isnt worth missing. A father who doesnt care enough to see them, doesnt care enough to call them, doesnt give a flying fuck to be a part of their lives. I'm sorry that they dont have a father who wants to be there. I'm sorry that they dont have a father that they can count on. I'm sorry for their pain.
I can't wait until you eventually call or text and pretend like you give a shit. I have so much to say to you. You will not be a father when its convenient for you. A father is there for their children no matter what. A father is someone they can count on, someone to teach them right from wrong. A father is someone who is PRESENT and ACTIVE in their children's lives. That is not you.
You will not break their hearts over and over again. We will not allow it. If you see them smiling, remember, it's not because you were there cherishing your time with them making memories. If they succeed in anything, remember, it's not because you were there cheering them on and encouraging them to be the best that they can. Their successes will NOT be yours. Because you are NOT present.
I know you are probably going around telling everyone how terrible we are, how all we want is child support, how we are terrible mothers who wont let you see your kids. Go on and say it, even if it couldn't be further from the truth. We are the ones raising the children YOU abandoned. We are the ones who are there. Not you. And in the end, you are in fact, the one that is losing. And I hope it eats you alive. Every. Single. Day.
-An actual Parent to our kids.
